Be Careful What You Ask For
My newsletter has become a continuation of reflections on the sudden injury I've been navigating. In case you missed it, you can find the first two posts here: Change of Plans, The Gift of Suffering
I've gotten a few responses from people saying they admire my positive spin, but it must suck. I can understand how some might think, Lou, are you spiritually bypassing this? Are you just sad and can't be with it?
The answer—No.
For one, I don't see trusting what I don't see as "positive thinking." For me, it's a matter of faith. I can feel sad and surrender to it.
Regardless, I'm not feeling sad, quite the opposite. I'm feeling connected and where I'm meant to be. It's a strange, beautiful time. I feel like I've been here before. I look down at my leg, see my brace, and have deja vu. Some part of me remembers wearing it, even though I've never been injured. What's up with that?
You might ask, Lou, what meds are you on? Are you hallucinating? I am not. Well...maybe I am. As Nietzsche Said, "Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."
I'm feeling closer to God than I have in a while. Over the past month, my meditation practice has shifted to breathwork. It has catalyzed a journey inward I did not know I needed.
Or maybe I did. Leading up to my injury, I was journaling, asking to feel closer to my divine Source. I was praying to know God deeper, to allow the Loving presence to penetrate my Soul and radiate my life. Not that I wasn't happy, but c'mon, who doesn't want to feel a little more ecstasy?
So I did what seekers do—tried to find it. I saw an opportunity for 3-week silent retreat in October. I signed up, thinking, "This will help get me there." Then my injury. No sitting cross-legged on a cushion for a long time. No retreat. Just now.
With the exception of psychedelics, it's hard to plan for a spiritual experience. Typically the more you want it, the more it eludes you. I certainly was not looking for anything "Spiritual" during my awakening in 2015. At that point, I even doubted the existence of God. But, then, By the same Grace, everything changed and transfigured my existence. Gloria in excelsis Deo.
The most potent soul-reminding experiences catch us off guard. This is what happened to me on Saturday. As I started my breathing session, not expecting anything profound, once again, Grace found me.
The nature of these experiences is difficult to put into words. In this case, I felt a shift in consciousness from my physical body to more subtle energy. The more I relaxed into it, the deeper, yet more expansive I went. It was during this experience that it hit me, "This is what you asked for. Closeness to God, here it is!"
I broke out into tears, knowing that my injury brought me here. I wouldn't have started this breathwork practice without it. I wouldn't be having this experience. It all made sense.
Be careful what you ask for because you might not initially like how you get there.
I wanted to feel more spiritually connected, yet I wouldn't have chosen to break my leg for it. However, I'm not the one in charge. That is both incredibly scary and comforting.
What have you been asking for?
If you reflect, has it been coming in ways you didn't expect?
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. Just be unattached to how you get there. Let go of thinking you have to have it figured out.
Keep the faith, expect great things to happen, but let go of what those things are. What you truly want will come in all the ways you can't anticipate.
Most of all, enjoy it! The unplanned path is much richer and beautiful than what our limited minds can perceive.
So maybe I have been here before. Perhaps this is just a wrinkle in time and a reminder that I am on the right path. I don't even care to know. Living the Questions, holding the mystery is just too much fun. :)
Caveat: I'm not special. This experience is not unusual, as I'm sure my breathwork facilitator friends would tell you. This is within us all, more quickly accessed than you may think.
What I received from this experience reminds me why I do what I do—to be an instrument of peace that hopefully helps you feel that beautiful divine connection within yourself. It's all already here. We just need to open to it.