As You Are
Life takes us on a roller coaster of expansion and contraction. There are times we open to life’s current and feel its flow, and times when we close down, blocking our hearts and dulling our spark.
In closed times, it can be tough to express our feelings, making it difficult to let others in. I have a hard time allowing others to help me, especially if it’s from the pure generosity of their heart.
It’s easy for me to let others help if it’s transactional, i.e., paying for a coach or therapist. But I shy away when someone offers support without an implicit agreement.
I have a lone-wolf mentality. “I can figure it out on my own.” After decades of this mindset, it’s created a perceived separation from others.
It’s a feeling that everyone else is in on something–like they get the joke, and I'm on the outside looking in.
Have you ever felt you are on the outside looking in?
I know the feeling of separation is antithetical to the Truth wisdom traditions point to, yet it still shows up.
Since September, I have sat in a weekly men’s group. Over the last few months, I have felt a separation. I judged people in the group and labeled them “different” from me.
I made up that I didn’t fit in. When I create a separation, I shut down any potential benefit I could receive.
After creating this divide week in and week out, I questioned why I was showing up. I have “better” things I could be doing. I started showing up to meetings anticipating the time it would end.
In these groups, we practice speaking our judgments, fears, and withholds. I talked about my uncertainties and how I felt I wasn’t getting anything from the group. The group did what the group does—it held me in my experience.
One of the men attempted to play a role where I would see how untruthful a statement was. He said, “Lou, we need you to feel like you are like us. We won’t accept you if you feel you're different or don’t want to be here.”
I surprised him when I responded, “Yea, that makes sense.”
He recognized his approach misfired, so he de-roled and switched gears. He said, “You can feel whatever you’re experiencing. It’s OK. It’s welcome here.”
I slowed down and felt the impact of his words.
Tears streamed.
The experience crushed the longstanding narrative that I needed to be someone or do something to get love or validation.
The men in this group allowed my experience of judgment and separation to be perfectly ok.
For one of the few times in my life, I was welcomed unconditionally.
Unconditional Acceptance
We tend to overlook what un-conditional means. In this case, my ideas of why someone would want me out of the group were not valid. Instead, they allowed me to be as I was in all the judgments and separation I felt.
It’s OK to be me, just as I am—now.
I broke down in tears working through the deeper layers of this realization. I grieved how much of my life I spent feeling like I had to prove myself. I recognized the shadow side—needing others to prove themselves to me.
It was hard to allow myself to be accepted because there was no transaction. I wasn’t paying to be in the group, yet they still allowed me the space to be there.
It struck a well of emotion. It was cathartic to be held and accepted without needing to be anything. It reminded me of why I joined the group in the first place.
Do you have a place where you are welcomed unconditionally?
A place where you can be you, exactly as you are, not because you act a certain way, or believe a certain ideology—not if you are “nice and respectful,” but welcomed even if you’re mean and timid—even if you’re an asshole.
Do you have a place that accepts you always, just as you are, period?
If not, it starts with you.
What if it's OK to be you, right here, just as you are?
See if you can slow down and open to this truth.
Close your eyes and take a breath...
Try these affirmations:
- I welcome myself exactly as I am.
- It’s OK to be me, just as I am, at this moment.
- All of me is welcome here.
- I accept myself unconditionally.
The more we allow ourselves to be as we are, the more our hearts open, and we feel the connection we yearn for.