My First Psychedelic Experience
On New Year’s eve, I sat in my first psilocybin ceremony with my partner.
Psilocybin is the psychoactive chemical in Magic Mushrooms.
Before explaining the experience, I need to clear something up.
To my sober friends reading this:
I am sober and still consider myself sober. I used to be triggered when hearing others talk about psychedelics, so I get it if you’re feeling that right now.
I understand if you want to unsubscribe, especially if you’re early in a sober journey. I want this to be a safe space for you. I hope you feel whatever the feeling is and hear me out.
I came a long way to get to the point of ingesting something outside myself. It took years researching and preparing.
I had to re-assess my relationship with all substances and question my rigidness, bias, and how much I had matured.
To get to this point, I had to break out of the cultural programming that labels all DRUGS = BAD.
The government classifies heroin and psilocybin as the same schedule 1 illegal substance. Yet, psilocybin is being researched and shown proven to treat and cure addiction. Those two facts shouldn’t go together.
Pharmaceutical companies churn out doctor-approved drugs and hand them out like candy. Yet we outlaw a mushroom species. IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. As I said before, the world is backwards.
So, I first had to come out of my war on drug conditioning and all the messages I ingested.
Because, on the one hand, I have my sober identity, and on the other, I am a seeker.
So I read and listened to stories of people’s psychedelic journeys. After having spiritual experiences, I was curious about how psychedelics related. Some accounts felt similar to things I went through.
Cosmic Consciousness
In 2015, during an energetic opening, I was lying in my bed at the end of the day. When I closed my eyes, I saw fractal patterns glowing and collapsing. My only reference for what I was experiencing was a kaleidoscope. And then the patterns moved into a gold circle, almost like a sun.
Then out of the sun, a crystal clear vision of Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man appeared and dissolved back into the circle, and an elephant-looking figure arose. I didn’t know Ganesha then, but after looking it up, it was him—opening doors for me when I needed it.
I wasn’t “Imagining” these figures as someone would do in visualization. They were as real as the keys I’m typing this on. No substances, just me on a spiritual journey.
Because of this and other experiences, I stayed curious about psychedelics. I’m a long-time listener of the Tim Ferriss Show, where he talks about how much psilocybin helped him with depression. He’s putting a lot of his money into the research happening at Johns Hopkins University.
In 2018, I read Michael Pollan’s book How To Change Your Mind. Again, you couldn’t help but see these substances’ value, healing, and sacredness.
Yet I still wasn’t ready.
My spiritual awakening left me, at times, mentally unstable. If I had seen a western psychiatrist, “psychosis” might have been my diagnosis. I thank God I had enough support around me that didn’t happen.
Because of my mental health, I was wary of psychedelics. Although that time of my life was beautiful, It wouldn’t be healthy to go back. So naturally, I had fear, which kept me on the sideline.
And I was “Sober”! A part of me thought I was more “pure” not going that route. (Which is an ego trip in itself. )
So I stood by. I watched as my friends and partner dove into Ayahuasca. I listened to their insights, stories, and trip reports. I saw the difference in behaviors and how they showed up.
Across the bat, I heard and saw nothing but good things. While they had challenging journeys, they always came back around to be meaningful experiences.
Still, I was afraid. From my study of Psilocybin and Ayahuasca, an important factor is feeling the pull toward the plant. I was careful not to participate in “Spiritual Tourism”—using it to feed the Ego’s idea of how spiritual one is.
I was afraid of both doing it and then also scared of talking about doing it.
What if you judge me like I judged others?
I resist using the term Plant Medicine because of a judgment I harbored- People are just using that as a reason to do more drugs!
Years of this questioning, researching and listening went on.
Cue breathwork.
In 2021, while healing a knee injury, I dove deeper into circular connected breathing. I would breathe and have beautiful visions and meaningful insights. Many who had experience explained it was psychedelic.
The states of consciousness breathwork induced blew me away. It altered time and cleared unresolved blockages.
I made breathwork a focus for 2021 and 2022, which prepared me for the psychedelic terrain—all the while reading more books like Doors of Perception by Aldous Huxley, consuming documentaries, and listening Ram Dass share accounts of his early days.
Then I read Charles Freligh’s psilocybin experience in his book The Will To Do Nothing. At that point, I wasn’t triggered at all. I actually felt joy.
For whatever I projected onto Charles, I didn’t expect him to be into psychedelics. So while his trip seemed harrowing and might not compel one to try, I knew I wouldn’t start with the dose he worked his way to.
(I got the chance to discuss Charles' experience on our interview.)
Feeling Ready
The final straw came early in December when I went to my first Holotropic Breathwork workshop.
Stanislov Grof was a psychiatrist doing LSD therapy before it became illegal. To offer another way into altered states of consciousness, he developed Holotropic Breathwork.
Holotropic Breathwork is a 3-hour journey of circular connected breathing.
At the workshop, I learned the facilitators were all experienced with psychedelics, and a main conversation during dinners was how some were getting trained in psychedelic-assisted therapy.
The more I talked to them, the more I felt an authentic connection to these substances. They also emphasized that you don’t need psychedelics because breath work can work on the same issues and induce similar experiences.
So as I journeyed in my breathing sessions, I screamed, cried, danced, saw angelic visions, and almost vomited. While it was challenging at times, I loved the work.
Over the weekend, we do two sessions a day. For one, we breathe, the other, we assist our partner.
There was a moment when I was assisting that stuck out.
I stood up and began dancing to the rhythmic music that plays an essential part in the journey. At the same time, someone was crying, another was screaming and hitting a pillow, and another was laughing.
Although it might be a jarring scene to an outsider, All I could think was, This is my kind of place to be!
Then in one of my sessions, I got the message, I’m READY. That has multiple meanings, but I felt exploring psychedelics was one of them.
I always felt a relationship with mushrooms.
When I was ten years old and visiting my family in Italy, my Uncle used to take me on his dirtbike and drive up the mountains early in the morning to forage for finferli mushrooms. How cool it was to be on the back of that bike!
Out of any psychedelic, Psilocybin called me. So I asked Kelly if she wanted to do a New year’s eve ceremony together. She was thrilled, and so it was.
Back to my sober friends:
When I decided to give up alcohol, I went through the most powerful healing experience of my life. My inner guide knew when some other modality would help.
Your guide knows also.
There are many paths and modalities, psychedelics are just one of them. Trust your intuition.
If you pass the contra-indications, I encourage you to try a 1-hour connected breathwork session before anything.
Roland Griffiths is the Director of the Johns Hopkins Center on Psychedelic and Consciousness Research. He is a psychopharmacologist and long-time meditator.
He explains meditation is like a gentle boat—psilocybin, a rocket ship—I might add breathwork to be a freight train.
It will take you to the same place. There's no rush.
Ram Dass credits psilocybin with starting his spiritual journey, but he learned from his guru that with substances, “You can visit Christ, but you can’t stay.”
So Ram Dass stopped using chemicals and worked on developing the capacity to hold the states on his own.
David Hawkins said straight and narrow is the path.
Don’t put pressure on yourself to follow others.
Listen to your inner guide.
What happened?
You’re probably wondering about the experience. I plan to talk less about the experience and more about the confronting lesson I received—next week. Stay tuned. :)
For now, open to your thoughts, questions, and critiques.
Again, sober friends: Early on, when I heard people I admired as sober tell me they did psychedelics, I felt like, “I lost this person.” I have such empathy for you if that is your experience.
I send you love and hope you stick around.