Welcoming Your Wants
When was the last time you owned a want?
Everyone talks about the power of Vulnerability. It tends to take the flavor of sharing our insecurities and challenges. But vulnerability is anywhere where we might be rejected.
It’s easy for me to be vulnerable with my difficulties. (I’m pretty much made a career out of it.) What’s scarier is being vulnerable with our wants.
People commiserate when you tell them what’s going wrong. They get uncomfortable when you share with them your dreams.
I have a want I rarely tell people about.
I want to be famous.
I imagine after reading that, you might judge.
I judge it too. Which is why I’ve never let myself fully feel it.
Attention has always been validation. I was one of those kids who needed my parents to watch me do everything.
What’s the point in doing a skateboard trick if no one sees it?
While I’ve done a lot of work to soften this fixation, the fact remains that fame goes along with my dreams of being on Oprah's couch.
When I feel the desire to be famous, I do one of two things.
I cut it off.
I know fame is shallow. I know it won’t make me happy. In fact, there’s a good chance it would make me depressed. Intellectually, I understand this, so I give myself a spiritual punch in the face and squash the want before it gets too strong.
I take action toward it.
I feel this wanting, and immediately do something. I create a video and post it on Instagram in hopes of going viral, because that would put me on the path to notoriety.
The first reaction is aversion, the second is attachment.
Until recently, I didn’t know I had another choice. Thanks to the work of Joe Hudson, I was opened to seeing wanting as an emotion.
When you feel sad, it’s not healthy to push it away. Nor is it helpful to get into action and fix it. The best thing you can do when you're sad is to feel sad.
When I feel my wanting to be famous, instead of shutting it down or trying to make it happen, I can take a breath and feel my want.
Just as sadness runs its course when you give it space, so does the wanting. As I felt my wanting, a warmth spread across my chest, and ease came over my body.
After that, there is no more compulsion to do anything. I don’t actually care about the fame because I’m regulated. The next step can now come from wisdom, not aversion or attachment.
In the spiritual world, we often put the material in the shadow. We often don’t allow ourselves to want things. But what if you allowed your wants to be there without demonizing them?
You want money?
You want power?
You want sex?
Let yourself fully feel your want for them.
It’s not about doing anything about it. It’s about allowing the emotion of wanting to be experienced without judgment.
Naming Your Wants
Welcoming our wants goes to the heart of how we engage in our relationships. Sometimes it might not be something to merely feel, but to name.
It’s more vulnerable to share a want with someone when it involves them.
I want more space in the relationship.
I want credit for the work I put into this project.
I want you to call me to see how I’m doing, not just when you need something.
You're human. You’re allowed to have wants.
There is power in claiming our wants without judgment, instead of tiptoeing around and harboring resentment.
However, we must not be attached to getting our wants.
What is it that you want but never dare tell anyone? Feel free to send me an email and let me know.