Out of Balance
In college, I joined a fraternity. It was everything I thought being a man was—drinking beer, lifting weights, and chasing women.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a ton of fun. But I was deeply insecure.
I changed my style of clothing to be more frat. I couldn’t talk to a girl without a few drinks. I never spoke up to those who crossed my boundaries.
I was too desperate to be liked, subconsciously operating off past bullying wounds I didn’t understand.
On the outside, I portrayed confidence. I wanted to be “The Man”.
There’s something innate in a boy who wants to be King.
Without proper nurturance and knowledge of what the True King is, we find it in infantile ways—like, being the guy sleeping with the most women, each tally inflating a psyche built on a house of cards.
Like what this kid was up to.
It’s embarrassing to share this photo.
But I have compassion for the boy yearning for his King.
We each have our masculine mythos to live. Understanding the energies operating under the surface is crucial for what it means to embody the healthy masculine.
It wasn’t until my first men’s group in 2014 that things shifted.
Through this group, I learned how to speak on a soul level, awakening a dormant spiritual potential.
However, as a man of extremes, I took it too far. As I “woke up,” I immediately shunned the “Gym Going Frat Bro” that I was and became the soft new age Yogi, a nice guy, which is what I thought healthy masculinity is.
You might say, Lou isn’t that better than being an asshole?
Sure, but the problem is that I cut off parts of myself. I made my past self “bad” and my current self "good." When in reality, the 18-year-old boy wants the same things I want now. He was just unaware of how to find them.
He unconsciously sought initiation, community, and independence by joining a fraternity.
Instead of understanding what I was doing and loving my naive child, I killed him from my psyche. I pole-flipped. Spoiler alert—this, too, is not healthy!
I lacked depth.
I couldn’t speak my needs in my relationship.
I was so focused on being in the light and pushed away what I deemed "dark".
This feels super edgy to share, but I didn't even allow myself to masturbate, as it seemed like a "lower" pursuit.
While much good came during this time, we can only be so unbalanced for so long. Our psychosomatic experience is moving towards homeostasis. If we are unequal for time-period, something will shift unless we get ahead and preemptively do the work.
The Buddha taught the middle way. The past three years have been a process of recovering the boy I cut off and welcoming him back home.
While writing this article, I looked at the picture above, and my heart burst for the boy’s innocence. I cried as I sent this part of me love and continued integrating him back into myself. Men’s work helped me do that.
Men’s work helped me understand that I am not negative or positive—I am ALL OF IT!
It wasn’t until understanding Masculine Archetypes that I learned I am the best (and potentially worst) of the King, Warrior, Magician, and Lover. I have a primal Wild Man inside of me, and as I enter a relationship with him, he can feed me with potent, life-enhancing energy.
Instead of cutting myself off on a facade of "Spirituality,” I’m embracing myself as simply a man moving towards wholeness. In doing so, I have stopped living in a box of my own making.
I do yoga and lift weights.
I eat burgers and drink green juice.
I listen to choir music and Kayne. (But not when Kayne makes choir music)
I meditate and have a healthy relationship with masturbation.
I’m inspiring to others and sometimes a selfish asshole.
I’m human.
I’m here for all of it.
You are too.
Men’s work led me to a deeper connection to myself and, in turn, my beloved. It’s created a freer and more embodied sex life and an ability to have hard conversations and stand up for what’s True.
None of this would have happened without working with a men’s coach and in circles with other men.
We can’t do the work alone.
MEN:
Maybe you’re intimated by other men.
Maybe you’re cut off from your emotions.
Maybe your partner doesn’t feel your presence, and your relationship suffers.
Maybe you think being “nice” will get you everything you want. (And it hasn’t)
If we don’t do the self-work and integrate our parts back to wholeness, we will cut them out, project them, or find ourselves in the same old patterns, relationships, etc.
Through mindfulness & embodiment practices, archetype work, somatic coaching, & shamanic influences, we will adventure for 8 weeks in the spirit of brotherhood, accountability, and connection.
Men's work is for men of all backgrounds, races, sexual orientations, and beliefs.