Why hitting your goals won't make you happy.
Most learned this script for a good life.
Happiness comes after:
You graduate
Get married
Buy a house
Have kids
Retire
How has this plan worked for you?
Suffering is trying to get somewhere you will never find.
Culture conditions us that happiness is somewhere down the yellow brick road.
Embedded in the US Constitution is the encouragement to pursue happiness—yet future happiness is an illusion.
Anytime your happiness depends on an outcome, you set yourself up for disappointment.
We may know intellectually we don't arrive at happiness, but putting it into practice is challenging.
The first step is resisting the conditioning of our modern society: one that tells us to hit goals, meet quotas, and get to the next thing—all outcome focused.
The Trap
When focused on the outcome, we fall into the trap of in-order-to.
We pick a major that pays well in-order-to make the most money.
We pick a job that looks good on a resume in-order-to get the better job later on.
We go to said job in-order-to pay the bills and save up for retirement.
We work out in-order-to look a certain way.
I see people in my field write a book, not because they're passionate about the idea, but in-order-to be more credible or charge more for their services.
I'm not judging. I'm grieving what could have been.
What if they focused on what was most alive in their heart? What gift would the world have received?
There's nothing wrong with in-order-to. But we're missing the point—we're missing Life.
All the teachings tell us the Presence of God is here in this moment. As we let ourselves access the presence, we open ourselves to more potent creativity.
Their book may be good, but does it have the activation of Spirit?
I'm guilty of in-order-to thinking as much as anyone. For example, I have the intention to grow my newsletter readership. Sometimes I get caught up in getting more subscribers as if that will give me something I don't have. It's a tightrope to strive for growth while staying focused on the present.
What we give our attention to, we energize.
When we do something in-order-to our energy is split between the moment of creation and our hopes of what it will bring.
Split energy is like having an electric vehicle with the capacity of two batteries, yet only using one. You may get to your destination, but it requires more energy, and you will burn out faster.
(New year's resolutions are the land of the in-order-to, so be cautious as to what shows up for you this year.)
What's the antidote to in-order-to culture?
Another 4-syllable phrase: For Its Own Sake
Doing something for its own sake brings us back to the joy of right now.
For its own sake puts the second car battery online, and that energy gets channeled into this moment, opening up space to make subconscious connections and creative breakthroughs.
With more energy channeled, the seed you are nurturing grows in potential. You don't know when things will blossom. The work is focusing on the process. Doing so will make you feel more fulfilled, and when your gift blossoms, others will feel its energy.
Charles Freligh writes in The Will To Do Nothing
"Authentic creation, in whatever form it takes, is fully complete in the act itself because it has arisen from the Current, and it is experienced as beautiful because it reminds the beholder of the Current within them."
Charles points to why a song makes chills go up your spine. There's a resonance of truth that's felt because it comes from a deeper place. (Listen to my Interview with Charles.)
We put ourselves in the way of Authentic creation anytime we do something for its own sake.
The act of doing something is the joy of doing something.
Ram Dass said, "Meditation changes your desires in the course of fulfilling them."
The same could be said when we do things for their own sake. As you bring more presence to your work, your desire for the outcome disappears—the process is fulfilling in itself.
What about goals?
I'm a life coach. I'm all about setting goals and having a vision for where myself or the client is going. Then, after we have some idea, I want us unattached to them because when fixating on a goal, we may miss where life wants to take us.
In the process, I help them see the power and beauty already present. Most find that the new energy is so life-enhancing that the goal they want holds less weight. They realize that the goal's purpose is to live more fully now.
As I said in a past post, Boundaries Breed Creativity
Goals set the structure so we can relax and enjoy ourselves.
Take driving, for instance. I love road trips. Nothing makes me happier than waking up early, grabbing coffee at some bougie shop, and then hitting the road for a full day of cruising.
While driving, I listen to music, podcasts, and audiobooks while taking in the expanse of the open road. My destination only served as the boundary for me to enjoy the journey.
Don't give up destinations—they are important. But discern if you are doing it in-order-to get to the destination or for the sake of the ride.
Drudgery is not a creative energy.
I'm learning to play the piano. Admittedly at first, there was the idea of me being at a party, playing music, and singing with people. Yet if I were to pursue piano like this, I'd be working in, in-order -to. It would make practicing a slog.
Luckily, I enjoy learning scales, seeing my brain and fingers synch up, and knowing some songs I like singing. It's been a rewarding process.
Life is too short to miss out on the full scope of our creative flow.
Quick way to think about things:
In-order to is about taking advantage:
There is an opportunity, you see the potential outcome, and you take advantage of said outcome. In doing this, you feel strain and scarcity.
For its own sake is about becoming advantaged:
When you do things for their own sake, you move from what David Hawkins calls force into power. You access a new paradigm of energy that not only fills you internally but has a greater ripple out into the world. In doing this, you feel ease and abundance.
Where do you go from here?
Change as many in-order-to's to for its own sakes.
It's ok to do things in-order-to! But try to watch the places where it takes over, and you completely lose sight of the moment.
Instead of making dinner in-order-to feed your family, try having the goal to feed your family and make dinner for its own sake. Feel the primal-ness of this act, and the ancient art of mixing salt, fat, acid, and heat.
Make something just to make something.
We are all creative. As I said in this post: Is anyone reading this? and also in 21 Days of Morning Motivation.
Create for the practice and learning. Share it freely with the world.
That's what I did with meditation. If I was recording in-order-to get somewhere, I wouldn't be where I'm at now.
When thinking of what to do next with your life, ask:
"What would I do if I knew it would fail?"
You read that right. I love this question because it gets to the heart of doing things for it's own sake. What's worth doing even if it doesn't work out?
What's ironic is that because you are more present and enjoying the process, it has more chance to succeed.
I hope this is helpful.
Let me know how this landed and share your stories of in-order-to or for-it's-own sake with me by sending me an email.