Why Letting Go Doesn't Work
In spirituality, there's a lot of talk about "Letting Go."
Letting go of anger.
Letting go of pain.
Letting go of judgments.
Letting go of– insert whatever causes suffering.
Go to any yoga class or new moon circle, and the facilitator will prompt:
"What do you need to let go of?"
It makes sense that we'd feel better if we let go of what no longer serves us.
But what if what we think we need to let go of is serving us?
Richard Schwartz created a breakthrough therapy called Internal Family Systems, or "Parts Work."
It assumes that there are "No Bad Parts," meaning that each seemingly negative part has some positive intention or emotional truth.
Although these parts have a positive intention, their coping mechanisms are no longer helpful, so they manifest with unintended negative consequences.
The anger is trying to protect us. But our rage causes harm to others.
The pain remembers when we were bullied. But our work isn't middle school.
Our judgments try to keep us safe. But we push others away.
Sure, we could let go of anger, but is that any way to treat someone for trying to keep us safe?
Imagine you were a security guard working a night shift, and you stayed up all night scanning the area to make sure nothing bad happened.
Then, in the morning, your boss says, "We need to let you go!"
You would be in shock! You'd resist and push back—"But I'm just doing my job!"
That's what happens when we try to let go. It pushes back.
Letting go is a form of resistance, and what we resist persists.
Our efforts at letting go may relieve our symptoms, but it's like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic—it doesn't address the core issue.
So what do we do?
Instead of letting go—Understand.
In his book Awareness, Anthony DeMello writes, "Things don't need to be fixed, they need to be understood. The moment you understand things they change."
Think of something you are suffering with.
Instead of asking, "How can I let this go? Ask—How can I understand?"
When we "stand under," we see it from a different angle. We see the root and offer compassion for its positive intention.
The way you understand is by being in conversation with the part.
"Hey, Angry part, what do you do for me?"
I protect you so no one can hurt you.
"What are you afraid will happen if you don't protect me?"
You'll feel inadequate and ashamed.
Hearing that your anger is protecting you from feeling inadequate, how might you respond differently?
You might show appreciation for how it's trying to help. When this happens, naturally, you'll feel more relaxed.
Try it out!
When you hear someone ask you, what do you need to let go of? Ninja your brain to hear, "What do I need to understand?"
Can you sense how that shifts things?
You might ask, Lou, what about a past relationship that I'm holding onto? Shouldn't I need to let that go?
Instead of thinking you are letting go of the past relationship, look at the part that wants to let it go.
How does it feel?
What does it want to tell you?
Maybe it feels betrayed and is carrying loss. As you understand this part for its emotional truth, it will soften, and you will find the peace you think "Letting Go" will bring.
Where can you bring more understanding to your life?
Wishing you lots of support.